ON THIS DAY: July 29

Greetings, internet homies! After a brief vacation, I’m back, and today, we’re taking a break from the past to look back at events of the past week (which is kind of the same, but not). So, with that said, it’s been a bumpy ride, so stay with me.

1. There was a Barbie movie.

Google it. Next.

2. The Trump Indictment Extravaganza: A Game of “What Did He Do This Time?”

Ladies and gentlemen, Former President Donald Trump is in the news again, and he’s becoming a regular at the courthouse! The ultimate irony for a man that bullied his way into public office shouting “Lock her up!” Word on the streets is that Trump is juggling not one, not two, but possibly three or even four indictments. I don’t want to say he’s collecting them like Pokémon, or underage Russian wives, but if the suits fit…you know.

Oh, and here’s a plot twist! Fewer Republicans are sticking to the classic “Trump did nothing wrong” line. Whoa, whoa, hold your horses! You mean there might be consequences for actions after all? I wouldn’t hold my breath, but who knows?

3. The Curious Case of Carlee Russell: Gone Missing, Found, and…Caught!

Well, well, well, what tf do we have here? An Alabama woman who decided to go on an eventful two-day hiatus, calling 911 claiming to have seen a baby on the side of the road. Maybe the baby was hitchhiking, right? Who knows? Either way it sent her community into a frenzy of worry and search parties. The plot thickens when she later claimed she was kidnapped! But wait, there’s a twist!

Carlee Russell, the vanishing act prodigy, then comes clean, admitting she had not been abducted after all! Bravo, Carlee, bravo! You managed to outdo even Houdini with your disappearing act. And now, she’s facing misdemeanor charges. I guess “Where in the World is Carlee Russell” isn’t quite the “Gone Girl” novel it could’ve been.

4. Trader Joe’s: More Than Just Quirky Snacks and Hawaiian Shirts

Trader Joe’s, our beloved hipster haven, has hit the headlines with an unexpected twist in its typically wholesome tale. It turns out their falafel and cookies might be equipped with a super secret ingredient [drumroll] —rocks! You heard that right; they’re adding some extra crunch to their delectable treats. You know, just in case you’re tired of granola bars breaking your teeth.

Dear Trader Joe’s, we love your quirky labels and kitschy décor, but rocks in food? We all might need a safety briefing before venturing into your culinary wilderness!

There you have it, folks, a bizarre collection of news from the absurdity factory that is our world. Remember, laughter might not solve all our problems, but it sure as hell makes them more bearable. Until next time, stay quirky, stay witty, and keep smiling through the madness!

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